As a public service, I offer the following translations from Lawyer Talk to Plain English:
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Translations From Lawyer Talk
We lawyers like to use definitions in our writing. It makes the substance of the document easier to read because it allows the drafter to avoid repeating things or using terms in an inconsistent manner. I am going to try that here, knowing that I may offend someone or other.
In this article, ‘marriage’ means a romantic relationship (whether or not having a sexual component) between any two or more people of any genders or without a gender, whether or not sanctified by a religious or civil ceremony of any type, and ‘spouse’ means any of the human beings who are involved in such a relationship. I hope that I have included everyone, but I will not be surprised if I have not. Frankly, I am having trouble keeping up.
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Live and Die by the Immoral Sword
When I completed my Articles long ago, I was not hired back. It was a time of economic recession and jobs were difficult to come by. I sent out many application letters and eventually accepted an offer at a small suburban firm. The day after I accepted the job, I received a phone call from one of Canada’s largest law firms offering me an interview. I politely declined and said that I had already accepted a position. A family member who will go unnamed thought that I was crazy, but I had given my word and I was not going to break it.
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Game Over
I met Maria when she landed her first job as an associate at a medium sized law firm in the Toronto area. She was capable, intelligent, and eager to learn. However, just how hard lawyers work in law firms seemed to catch her by surprise. I guess that they don’t tell you about that in law school.
There is a steep learning curve in the area of law in which Maria commenced her practice. A great deal of training takes place in the first year or two, after which a good associate will hit their stride and become downright useful. Maria was a good associate. She persevered and right on schedule as she approached her second anniversary at the firm, Maria was becoming downright productive.
As often seems to happen, just as she was becoming valuable to her firm, Maria chose to leave. She departed for greener pastures just shy of her third anniversary at the firm.
Some forty years ago, I knew a young lawyer in her third year of practice. My acquaintance had just given birth to her first child. She took what was then considered to be a lengthy maternity leave of 6 months (3 months being standard) before returning to work at a mid-sized downtown Toronto law firm, where she was the only female associate in her department and one of only three female lawyers in the firm. Having taken such a long maternity leave, the firm looked at her as a slacker.
Quite a few years ago, I really ticked off a lawyer at one of the major firms.
It was the early 1990’s, someone had called a recession, and everyone had shown up. This big firm lawyer was acting for a bank trying to put the squeeze on a delinquent debtor. My client was the delinquent debtor. The bank had screwed up. They had given him 30 days notice to repay his operating line and bounced cheques that were within the credit limit the very same day that the notice was given. That is a no-no.
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Write-Downs and Rip-Offs
I have two stories to tell. One of them is 40 years old. The other is 4 weeks old. They are remarkably similar and do not reflect well on law firm cultures. Unless, of course, you think that these two stories are atypical. I will leave that to you to decide.
Every so often law firms hold lawyer retreats, which are generally broken into three segments.
“Let me have men about me that are fat; Sleek-headed men and such as sleep o’nights: Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look; He thinks too much: such men are dangerous.
Shakespeare, Julius Caesar
I used to think too much. About my files. About my billable hours. About marketing. About how to run the firm better. And mostly, about how much in common I had with Cassandra.
I once represented a doctor who wanted to stop being a doctor. He absolutely hated it. He was a nervous type, and he just could not cope with the responsibility of practicing medicine. The stress was killing him. I helped him disentangle from another doctor with whom he had set up a clinic. As far as I know, he never practiced medicine again. I also know another fellow who became a doctor, hated it, and became a paramedic working on ambulances.